January 16th, 2011.. Thoughts.

     Three more days and I will be 31. This is crazyness. lol. I still feel the same as I did when I was 19, however, I definitely do not look it. I had gained 60 pounds by the time I reached 23 years old! From 23 to right this very moment, I have managed to lose around 40 pounds and that is a good thing, but for the past year or two I have not been able to lose anymore weight. I keep gaining and losing the same 5-6 pounds. Im about to go nuts. I have tried a raw food diet and found it somewhat difficult to keep up with it. I tried to put meat back into my diet and eat high protein but my addiction to carbs is extreme, and I didn't like eating all that meat again. I need to find a happy medium.
     My weight has been effecting my emotions and life alot lately. All i want to do is be alone. I do not sit at home and eat my emotions away, but I just sit at home. Me and my cats. Yes.. i go out and I so enjoy being around my friends, but even then, lately I have been feeling off. I can't really discribe the off feeling I have, but its numbing sometimes. I feel that due to my weight, people do not want to be around me as much. I made a resolution to dance more.. but I feel retarded out there on the dance floor, even though I LOVE to dance. And since I will not go out there after my friends beg me, they think I am no fun. Maybe im not.. I don't know.
     I have PCOS. This makes it harder for me to lose weight. Found this out from my doctor at the end of 2010. This is also the cause of my hair thinning, and the fact that I have not gotten pregnant all these years. (that last part is a good thing actually). Also the fact that Im severely obese is the the reason why my hair is thinning as well. I no longer feel as pretty.
     Clothes shopping. Oh goddess.. one of the worst things in life for me right now. Nothing fits right exept plain t-shirts and jeans. Can't find a bra to save my life. I try pretty tops on and I hate the way they look on me. I think part of the mind-set is that I don't want to look all dressed up because that will put more attention to me and I dont' want attention due to my weight. The more a person looks at me, the more they will see the flaws. STUPID way of thinking.. I know. And really.. other than the weight issue.. my thoughts are pretty positive. I enjoy life, I love WHO i am.. the soul inside this diseased body. I have thought about surgery before many times, but I am too scared to go through with it and I KNOW that I can do this on my own.. or at least I try to be positive that I can. Maybe I can't. Maybe I need to go drastic, but then loosing weight that quick will depress me more because then I will have skin issues. It seems like it is a lose/lose situation.
    So these are my thoughts at the moment.
This picture was taken the beginning of the year. I luv my friens, but I hate these kind of pics.