january 21st

Breakfast: 1 cup of Jasmine rice with 1 tablespoon of butter and some basil leaves
Snack: 1 small blueberry muffin
Lunch: 1 turkey melt w cheese, small handful of fries
Snack: 1 bison jerky
Dinner: 1 large salad with chicken and turkey slices. Small amount of ranch dressing.



Soooo, I have managed to gain 10 pounds in a month. Im not happy at all. Its during my moon time right now so im hoping that a few of those pounds are from this time. I will weigh again after my cycle is over with. I wouldn't doubt it if i really did gain 10 pounds. I haven't been able to stop eating lately. Im ALWAYS hungry and I can't seem to satisfy any cravings I have. I think about food all the time and due to thinking about it I want it so much I give in and go get the ice cream im craving. I do not know what to do!!!!

I did not blog the past couple of days due to it being my birthday. Tuesday was my party and I had a BLAST. Drank too much, but it was all good. My actual birthday was Wednesday and I just stayed at home and lounged on the couch all day. I ate to many carbs and to much icecream. But good thing is that the icecream is out of my freezing now (into my belly) and I do not plan on buying anymore. When my income tax come in, im going to be paying off two bills that have really made me struggle money wise, so hopefully I will be able to afford more healthy snacks.

Tuesday tuesday.. birthday party time!

BREAKFAST: 2 small bananas and a luna bar
LUNCH: 6 inch chicken breast sub from subways.. all veggies exept the jalapenos and banana peppers, just a little mayo
DINNER/SNACK?: Same as lunch



I see that I eat alot less when I am not working. Why this is Im not quite for sure, since when Im home I watch alot of movies and am online alot. Is it mindless eating when Im at work, and if so, why do I not do it at home? Hmmm

I went to go try on bras today at Lane Bryant. I saddened myself because I could not find ONE bra that fit me because my chest is so large! I wanted to cry. Clothes shopping is the thing I hate the most right now to do. Nothing ever looks right, or its too glitzy and stuff for me. Finding bras.. forget it. But I NEED a new bra. My girls hang a little to low and they need to be lifted! I am not used to wearing underwire however, but I couldn't even find one of those. Thinking that I would need to lose at least 20 to 30 pounds before I can try a bra on again. Breasts.. you are such a burden... at least when you are this large. Not natural. :( I want to have a reduction done, but if I lose weight after the reduction, they will just get smaller. Can't win.

Tonight is my 31st birthday party. Tomorrow is the actual bday, but celebrating tonight. Im so excited. SOUNDS like 20 or more people might show up, but even if its just my few close friends I will be happy. Will be at my karaoke bar that I go to every Tuesday. Hopeing my guy friends are comfortable due to it being a gay bar. But I fee the must comfortable there because they gay community are so accepting and fun. Its where I chose to go. I am allowing myself to cheat tonight. I might have some potatoe wedges tonight at some point, and of course Im going to be drinking. Will have pictures tomorrow!!!

I can't wait till I am able to wear all the cute clothes that I see around. Right at this moment I am not into fashion. I dislike it, but truthfully I think the reason is because I can't wear what I want, so I shun it. Anyone else like that as well. Here are some of the styles that I would love to wear.

The above one is at www.senjoclothing.com

Yeah...Im an earth child.. though I dont look like it!!! Maybe if I made my own clothes....

Thoughts and Pics for Monday the 17th.

This was me in 2004 I think. Maybe it was 2003.. sad that I forgot the year my best friends got married!! I was the maid of honor. This was me at my highest weight

This is a pic of the whole brides mid outfit. Everytime I look at this picture it scares me. I can see myself gaining back the 40 pounds so easily. :(

This is me New Years eve 2010/2011. Black satin is NOT slimming. :(

And this is a size that Im am stiving to be at. Still has meat... but looks SO much healthier. I don't think my stomach will ever look like that however, not unless I get surgery done.

Random thought: Do skinny people keep fat people as friends, just to make them feel thin?

I had salad for lunch today. I had alot of salad.. feel like a pig, but I think its better than going to Wendys ya know. Though Wendys did sound really good. The fries with the sweet and sour sauce.. VERY yummy. I think today though I am already over my calories. This really sucks. People say I eat healthy. Yes, I think i eat healthier than alot of people, but to much of a good thing can be bad for you as well. And I think that is part of my problem to. That and carbs. I have always loved my bread and rice. To live without it kills me. *sigh*. Why did I let myself get this heavy. UGH!

Why can I not say no to food? Why can't I just push past the pain in my stomach and focus on the goal at hand? I do not want to be addicted to food anymore! I do not want to be addicted to carbs! I have thought about getting gastric bypass done... but that is not going to help me with the addiction. It will help me lose the weight, but that might only be temporary.. and it will also help me have alot more loose skin that if I did it the right way. But Im tired of being the fat friend. Just tired.... I have no wanting to excersise.. at ALL. A gym bores me so much, and working out at home bores me. I have though of getting a bike, but that might not be until it warms up. I like skating but I don't have skates or a good safe place to skate at. I want to swim, but not in front of other people. Im just full of excuses..

Here is a recent video from my youtube channel. I also on youtube with my journey as well. :)

January 17th, 2011...Foodage

BREAKFAST: 2 eggs, 12 grain Natures own bread with butter: 540 Calories

SNACK: 1 Yoplait Light Strawberry Yogurt.: 100 Cal... Im not eating this again. I totally forgot about the Aspartame and the High Fructose Corn Syrup! But I was hungry and didnt want to get a pretzel and cheese.. or something else bad for me.

SNACK: 2 small bananas w 2 tbsp peanut butter. 380 calories (Im starving for some reason. Im drinking plenty of water but my stomach is cramping alot. Hunger pangs. Phooey!)

SNACK: 2 reeses cups: 210 cal

LUNCH: 1 large salad with broccoli, zuccini, 1/2 cup cottage cheese, mushrooms, green peppers, sunflower seeds, little bit of egg, and a little bit of ranch dressing. Also had two of the biscuits Ruby Tuesdays gives with meals and some pasta salad stuff.. abou a cup.

SNACK/DINNER: 1 Snickers bar.. :280 cal (Was hungry.. had nothing here)

Around 1500 calories eaten without counting in the salad stuff. I suck! lol

So, I actually looked at the calories in what I eat for breakfast this morning..yeah.. a little more than I thought. Now I need to find a better breakfast for me that is still going to fill me up and not make me hungry in 2 hours.

I really need to go grocery shopping for better snacks..

Ok.. so I left work, went to the bar.. again and had a few potato wedges and a small Fuzzy Navel again. yeah.. soo.. THIS is why I am gaining weight. Good to know

Food for jan16th, 2011

I will be updating this post through out the day.. just an FYI

Breakfast: 2 eggs with 2 slices of whole grain bread with a little butter: about 350 cal
Snack: 1 small banana with 1 tablespoon of peanut butter : 187 cal
Snack: 1 Luna bar.. nutz over Chocolate: 180 cal
Drink: White chocolate mocha coffee from Starbucks. (medium sized) : About 500 give or take
Lunch: 1 turkey sandwich with a little mayo and cheese: about 400 cal
Snack: 1 chocolate raspberry luna bar : 170 cal
Snack/dinner: 1 small banana : 95 cal
Snack: .75 pound cataloupe : 160 cal or less... (it is less, could not eat all of it, tasted weird had about .25 of a pound)
Snack: 1 small banana: 95 cal

After lunch Im still hungry. I know that I should not have had that mocha today. I do not drink that stuff all the time, maybe once a week. I just wanted it today. I probably should have gotten the smallest size. ugh. And I know that Im going to eat more today.. probably a couple more bananas and peanut butter. Its only 6:50 pm and I do not get off work until 11pm.. and do not go to sleep until around 1 AM.

Damn Starbucks! lol...If it weren't for you today, I would have actually done pretty good. *cries*... But as of 9:00 pm.. im still under 2000 calories. And I have been extremely hungry today, and its all thanks to Mother Nature. Grrrr

I "snack" alot. Working 10 hour days I really only have 2 meals. Breakfast and lunch. I can't have dinner when i get home because its 11 and I do not want to eat 2 hours before I go to bed.

Ok.. so it is 12:24 am on Monday morning. Writing what I have eaten throughout the day really makes me see that I have some work to do. And the fact that it is out here for everyone to see.. yeah. After work I went to the bar and had a short Fuzzy navel and a few chips with cheese dip. Not much really. But.. if I had not had the coffee.. I might have been ok today. I figured I managed around 2000 calories today.. maybe a teeny tiny bit more. Lets us see what tomorrow brings.

January 16th, 2011.. Thoughts.

     Three more days and I will be 31. This is crazyness. lol. I still feel the same as I did when I was 19, however, I definitely do not look it. I had gained 60 pounds by the time I reached 23 years old! From 23 to right this very moment, I have managed to lose around 40 pounds and that is a good thing, but for the past year or two I have not been able to lose anymore weight. I keep gaining and losing the same 5-6 pounds. Im about to go nuts. I have tried a raw food diet and found it somewhat difficult to keep up with it. I tried to put meat back into my diet and eat high protein but my addiction to carbs is extreme, and I didn't like eating all that meat again. I need to find a happy medium.
     My weight has been effecting my emotions and life alot lately. All i want to do is be alone. I do not sit at home and eat my emotions away, but I just sit at home. Me and my cats. Yes.. i go out and I so enjoy being around my friends, but even then, lately I have been feeling off. I can't really discribe the off feeling I have, but its numbing sometimes. I feel that due to my weight, people do not want to be around me as much. I made a resolution to dance more.. but I feel retarded out there on the dance floor, even though I LOVE to dance. And since I will not go out there after my friends beg me, they think I am no fun. Maybe im not.. I don't know.
     I have PCOS. This makes it harder for me to lose weight. Found this out from my doctor at the end of 2010. This is also the cause of my hair thinning, and the fact that I have not gotten pregnant all these years. (that last part is a good thing actually). Also the fact that Im severely obese is the the reason why my hair is thinning as well. I no longer feel as pretty.
     Clothes shopping. Oh goddess.. one of the worst things in life for me right now. Nothing fits right exept plain t-shirts and jeans. Can't find a bra to save my life. I try pretty tops on and I hate the way they look on me. I think part of the mind-set is that I don't want to look all dressed up because that will put more attention to me and I dont' want attention due to my weight. The more a person looks at me, the more they will see the flaws. STUPID way of thinking.. I know. And really.. other than the weight issue.. my thoughts are pretty positive. I enjoy life, I love WHO i am.. the soul inside this diseased body. I have thought about surgery before many times, but I am too scared to go through with it and I KNOW that I can do this on my own.. or at least I try to be positive that I can. Maybe I can't. Maybe I need to go drastic, but then loosing weight that quick will depress me more because then I will have skin issues. It seems like it is a lose/lose situation.
    So these are my thoughts at the moment.
This picture was taken the beginning of the year. I luv my friens, but I hate these kind of pics.

Day #1 of hopefully a new beginning.

So, What I have decided to do is start writing about my weight loss efforts. Something that everyone can see and comment on, and hopefully this will provide me with advised and assistance that I need. Trying to lose weight on my own is a lost cause it seems like. Im only accountable to myself, and I do not think that is good enough. It drives me nuts because eating right and healthy is something I am passionate about, yet I do not fully practice what I preach, and this saddens me. So what im going to do is start a blog where I write down what I eat throughout the day, my thoughts on the whole weightloss thing, and anything else that pops into my head regarding the issue. What I am looking for from this, is for people to subscribe to my blog and help me out along the way with suggestion and comments on what they see and read... even if its "negative". Heres to a new Colleen for her 31st year!